Intro

The Motherhood Portrait Series is a collection of photographs and honest stories from within motherhood. Each mama shares their story in their words.

Chapter Three Stepping into this New Self

“Five and a half years ago I stepped into motherhood. I have been pushed to my limits only to find that I could expand and there is more beyond those initial walls. Motherhood with one child was serendipitous. Obviously it wasn’t easy, but I felt I had the capacity to give my daughter what she needed while continuing to fill my own cup, explore who I was in motherhood, and nurture other relationships. 

I felt my relationship with my first was completely blown to bits when my second daughter came along. I cried and cried about ruining that bond, for not being able to give her the one on one attention she craved and begged for. She clung to me, a version of “us”. She felt her sisters cries pulling me away, and my heart was torn in two.

They always say that when the second child arrives your heart doubles in size. And it did! I never had any doubts about that. My concern was always about how I would have the capacity to be what they both needed when being pulled in multiple directions. And while I was/am absolutely smitten with my second little lady, I felt my own being crumble during that first year with two kids as I was pulled in all directions to be everything for everyone. I suffered from anxiety and panic attacks, both new to me and really terrifying. I didn’t know who I was and struggled daily in motherhood. I leaned on the mom groups around me and have been connected with wonderful mentors who held my hand as I embarked on a journey of healing.

Working through the grief of saying my own goodbye to the days of just my first, to life and my identity before motherhood. I have put in some hard work and have come a long way in the past several months.

I now stand on a new precipice. When I look back, I see me in all the phases I’ve traveled through and I am so in awe of all she has accomplished. This season of life has been difficult and not what I anticipated. I see that I have been strong enough to get through it and recognize all the beauty that has unfolded in the midst of the fog.

As I look forward I am excited to step into the journey of self-discovery postpartum. I have been seeking pieces of myself that have felt lost within the thick of postpartum anxiety. I now know they have been there all along, and I can’t wait to get reintroduced to the “me” outside of motherhood. Motherhood has changed me, yet I am still me.

I am blessed to enter this time of honoring who I have been, and the woman I have become since having babies. My soul is ready to grow beyond what it has known into greater freedom and authenticity, and I cannot wait to greet that badass woman with open arms.”