Intro

The Motherhood Portrait Series is a collection of photographs and honest stories from within motherhood. Each mama shares their story in their words.

Chapter One Redemption Baby.

“As I stood in front of the mirror in the hospital after my 3rd c-section, tears running down my face as I stared at my poor body wracked with pain, torn apart and put back together in so many ways, I thought about how I got to that moment. 

My body, heart, and soul are covered in bruises and scars that tell the story of my journey to and through motherhood so far. Sometimes, I look at those scars and bitterly wish I hadn't needed to experience those things, but the reality is each and every one of them has shaped who I am as a mother. I wouldn't be the mother I am today if I had been spared the years of longing for children, soul-shattering loss, anxieties, complications, and struggles along the way. 

I learned to cherish every moment of my pregnancies because of the one I didn't get to see through.

I learned to put my ideals and family first after years of being putting my life on hold because circumstances existed to make it impossible to consider trying to add kids to the mix

I learned to trust. In God, in myself, in my body, in others, to see things through exactly how they were meant to be.

This third pregnancy has been my redemption arc, in a way. My first was weighed down with horrible prenatal anxiety, fear, and worry. My delivery went all wrong from what I had planned and hoped for, and I was so bitter about it for so long. And my transition back to work not only came way too soon, but helped push me deep into a depression like I had never experienced, to where I just wished I could disappear. My second pregnancy was in the midst of the pandemic, so things were quieter, more private, and allowed me to focus more on me and the baby. But my delivery that time ended up just as traumatic as the first, with my dreams of a VBAC shattered, lingering nightmares, and those precious first moments with my baby again lost to complications.

The journey to baby three has come with its own challenges and issues, but not only am I more at peace with my life, my career, and myself, but I am older, wiser, and more self-confident to be able to advocate for myself and my baby in ways I was never capable of. The delivery itself was itself a restorative experience, both mentally and physically. The doctors took the time to painstakingly clear my body of all the scarring that had built up from my other deliveries, to give me the physical reset I needed to heal properly this time around. And that act, that care, went a long way in helping me to mentally approach this with the same kind of reset, to clear out the pain of the past and forge a present that I smile on when I think about. I finally got to experience even the slightest amount of skin to skin with my new baby, something I was robbed of with my older two kids, in a moment of peace and love that blew away everything from the past. I was blessed with care staff that listened to me, truly listened, and allowed me to feel supported and like a person every step of the way. And with my husband able to be fully present and supportive of me as I recover, in a way we could have only dreamed in the past, we are drawn ever closer.

As we close this chapter of our lives, I mourn for all the "lasts." My last positive test, my last bump pic, my last time feeling kicks, my last time standing on the precipice between pregnancy and delivery, anticipating this new person I'd be bringing into the world. But I am so proud of the person I've become along the way, the family my husband and I have created together, and I am so thankful that we have been able to go out on such a high note. I am savoring every moment I can with my last little one, but so eager for the new phase of life we're stepping into. “